


When all the world's a stage, make the death scenes count even if you go through three of them

by Pastel_Rabbit



Category: Futurama
Genre: ALSO THE RELATIONSHIPS ARE ONLY SORT OF MENTIONED, AND IT MAY BE SELF INDULGENT BUT THAT'S JUST FINE, AND THERE WAS TWO OF THEM- I JUST ADDED A THIRD, BUT THE DEATH IS TECHNICALLY CANON, F/M, I DID M BEST, I WROTE MOST OF THIS A MONTH AGO BUT I NEVER GOT TO FINISH IT UNTIL LIKE YESTERDAY, M/M, TAKES PLACE AFTER CALCULON 2.0 IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THE CONTINUITY OF THIS, there's smooching though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21889600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pastel_Rabbit/pseuds/Pastel_Rabbit
Summary: Calculon's died twice now, and two friends barely qualified to do anything more than deliver a package are tasked to fill his second grave.But when the late actor comes back for a final closing act, will things go smoothly? Or will a certain tin can's lies come right back to bite him in his shiny metal ass(WRITTEN BY THE NEW OWNER OF THIS ACCOUNT- ME! CALL ME PAS!)
Relationships: Calculon/Bender Rodriguez, Calculon/Coilette
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	When all the world's a stage, make the death scenes count even if you go through three of them

Death.

Fun concept, huh?

And dying, for a  _ robot _ , specifically, would probably be thought of as ‘not a big deal’ by most people. No matter how much personality and life you give a robot, there’s always gonna be some way to replace it.

And in Calculon’s case? That’s exactly what his manager had done.

Replacing the poor late robot with a new, shiny, but not at all hammy enough actor to beat his once adored show into the ground for the long, empty year in which he was gone. 

That is, of course, until he was resurrected. 

  
  


But we all know how that ended...

  
  
  


...

And if not?

Then let’s start at the beginning.

The beginning of the  _ end _ .

* * *

More specifically, the robot cemetery. Calculon’s once more open grave, with a certain human and bending robot duo sitting over the six foot deep hole.

Enjoying a toast to the empty, golden shell of a body below. Or, to the memory of the robot they both used to love seeing in the spotlight.

Drinking instead of doing actual work…

Ah, exactly what the two were known for…

Well. At least no one was robbing any graves this time around, like a certain someone was known for too.

  
  


Speaking of...

Bender’s legs swung in rhythm over the rectangular gap in the ground as he finished his own bottle- Looking down to catch a glimpse of the almost peaceful face of the once adored robot. The man who now had two deaths to his name.

Why they allowed Bender and Fry to fill his grave alone, not even they were sure of…

But it was definitely nice to just spend a few more moments with Calculon before he was laid to rest for the second, and 

Hopefully 

Final time.

A frown pulled across the bending unit’s face as he threw the empty glass bottle in his hands behind him, into a few bushes. Ignoring the resulting smash of glass.

“That show just won’t be the same without this bastard in the spotlight…”

“We can always just watch reruns of the episodes he was in, though, right?”

Fry received a glare for his comment, as usual, but all he did was sigh, walk over and take a seat next to his best friend.

Legs dropping down inside the hole in a way that mirrored Bender’s own position. Taking another two beers from the robot’s chest cavity.

“I know it won’t be the same, but it’s all we  _ got… _ ”

“Aw, what’s the  _ point _ \- Fry, this guy was perfect! He had everything! Class, skill, looks, a gold body that I’m not at all regretting not selling some parts of.”

“Didn’t you try selling it earlier?”

“WHAT, NO-  _ SHUT  _ UP-!”

Ignoring the accusatory glare from Fry, Bender sighed, and looked down once more. Bringing his legs up to bend at his torso, and resting his head upon his knees with a sigh.

“...Why was it him and not some other robot I don’t care about… Like Zoidberg..?”

“Zoidberg’s a robot?”

“ _ No _ . I just don’t  _ care  _ about  _ him _ . It should be  _ HIM _ in this stupid hole, not Calculon!”

And without warning

The upset bot burst into tears.

Curling into a ball above the grave as the sun set, and Fry discarded his unopened beer to wrap an arm around his friend. Rubbing his back, letting Bender whimper and wail into the soft fabric of that trademark red jacket, giving him all the time he needed.

The sun finally, slowly dipped below the horizon, in the east, thanks to Earth rotating the wrong way ever since that darn Katz showed up, and both men were alone. Engulfed in calm silence, broken only by Bender’s occasional sobs.

Trying to find any form of comfort in their mourning.

  
  
  


…

Though

Neither of them were prepared to hear the sudden, shallow gasp resonating within the grave below.

* * *

It almost happened in slow motion.

Bender and Fry slowly breaking their immediate stare into each other’s horrified expressions. Peeking over the side of the freshly dug earth to see none other than

..

Well.

Calculon, of course.

Struggling to sit up under his own weight, as his eyes slowly blinked open.

Bender was quick to rush in- Emotional outburst turning off like the flip of a switch, which Bender’s emotions so often were.

Jumping down to the still damp soil below with a quiet ‘hup!’ before rushing to the actor’s side. Propping him up with a bent leg against his back, and taking a hand in his own, giving Calculon time to lean his frame against the silver unit’s chest door as he fought for his last few fleeting minutes of consciousness.

“He’s still alive in there??”

The sorrowful laugh that followed Fry’s question did nothing for Bender’s worries, but still he kept the bot stable. Free arm wrapping behind Calculon’s shoulders to better support his weakened body.

Even being a non-organic automaton, the poor actor looked

Almost… 

Ill.   
  
...Dying..

“Only on a… Technicality, my friend.. Around… Ten minutes or so until this mortal world will truly be rid of my presence..”

“Can’t it be longer?”

“At least an episode of All My Circuits longer? That’s only twenty minutes.” Was Bender’s addition, tactful as always.

Another laugh. “I only wish, boys… I only wish..” Despite the clear struggle in his voice, Calculon kept his spirits high. Finishing his words with another quiet chuckle, weak smile still on his face. 

“Five minutes is all I could bargain for...”

A pause.

“With the catch, of course, that I must experience death one… Final time- But. Small price to pay, really. Third time’s the charm, I say..! I, uh..”

The robot’s upbeat front was failing him. 

With a sigh, his expression fell.

Any previous struggles to keep his body upright fizzled out, and Calculon fell limp in Bender’s hold. Looking up at the alcoholic’s uncharacteristically saddened face before his gaze dropped to his own front.

“There’s just… So much left unsaid, so many of my aspirations unrealised- I… I only wish my final thoughts could be heard until I... Truly  _ must  _ go..”

“Well- Fry’s got ears that hear stuff all the time!” A nod from the human in question as he jumped down to kneel at the fallen robot’s other side, and Bender continued. “And my hearing sensors just got an update. We’re great for what you wanna do! Talk away, O-Calc.”

Almost immediately the actor was glaring at him.

“In the confidence that you won’t ever call me  _ that  _ again.” An accusatory jab to Bender’s shell, before Calculon settled, and let out a quiet sigh

“I… Suppose this is all I have, isn’t it…”

Two people you actually know is… Better than a nameless, careless grave digger, at least.

And with a nod from both members of his final audience, expression softening into one of whatever hopefulness he could feel in a situation like this

Calculon began his closing speech. 

His  _ true _ closing speech.

Tales of stress performing for his show, dreams he’d had to give up on for the need to pursue his career. Past interests from his days… Leafing through magazines as a manufacturing arm. Lamenting on how Fry and Bender here were among the only people who knew about his first identity.

“A great, terrible, and personal secret.” was what he’d called it. Some of the worst years of his early life, trapped in that…

Godforsaken warehouse….

He always loved the idea of becoming a gameshow host one day- Or a director. Tried it out, once! A few second takes here and there, yelling action into a megaphone, sitting down the whole time, the works.

But. Acting was always his passion. Even if he never did get that Oscar he’d always wanted. Still had that Golden Globe, though. His agents even managed to replace it for him after he threw it against the wall! They always were sweet like that…

Always..

And oh, how he’d miss them now…

How he’d miss a lot of people… And how he hoped those same people…

Might miss him..?

Maybe…

Old friends, co-workers…

Lost loves…

Lost…

Love…

ah.. yes, of course..

her...

gone.. far too soon, hadn’t she..

  
  


...

...God he still loved her so much...

He… Had to come clean to at least  _ someone _ how he still felt for Coilette, after all… How dear that wonderful bending unit still was to him. After all these years- And how he never  _ truly _ knew if she left this world knowing how much he loved her-

“Yeah, she did.”

“Pardon?”

Ah

Ah crap.

“Uh…”

“You- ..you knew her, Bender?”   
  
In the immortal words of Bender himself, he was boned.

Concerned glances were shared between himself and Fry, both knowing Calculon deserved the truth, but having no idea if now was the right time.

Even if it was the only time they had left..

It wasn’t fair to keep the poor man from his love’s true story, but.. 

Would it 

Be any less fair to tell him the ugly truth on his deathbed?

“...I _might_ have been Coilette.”

“w.”   
“...what..?”

Apparently that wasn’t a question Bender had asked himself.

But he’d opened this can of worms already, might as well finish what he started..

Started…

How did the whole thing start again, anyway..

The Bending Olympics. Ah. Right… Bender feeling crushed that he’d never beat the professionals- Resorting to cheating, as he always did, and entering the fembot competitions instead.

As

Coilette.

A name he’d chosen at random, actually. One option out of many that he’d written down in a spinny wheel app on Fry’s phone, and span to be picked at random.

Fry, of course, made a point of still thinking he should have gone for Flexine.

And Bender told him to shut up, because he had a cousin called Flexine who was in prison.

And after that? Five competitions won… Five gold medals with his not-name on them! He would finally have something to be proud of! But-

“But the robots running the whole thing need oil checks from participants so they know they’re the real deal, which Bender wasn’t.”

“Yeah, so, then the professor changed me into a chick so I could cheat fair and square.”

“It was  _ gross _ , and  _ weird _ , and I don’t know why I watched it.” 

Fry gave a shrug after his comment, but it seemed that the moment the delivery boy had chimed in once more, he shut up immediately after.

Instead looking over at the immediate change in Calculon’s expression.

Watching those once half-lidded eyes widen as shaking pupils stared out in front of him. Wincing in second-hand pain as the weak robot pushed himself from Bender’s arms to sit up, even shift away from him as the look of pure  _ heartbreak  _ crossed his face.

Heartbreak, and  _ anger _ .

She

...Coilette never even…

...

“I cared more deeply for Coilette than any woman I’ve ever had to act being in love with, and you’re telling me she was  _ NOTHING  _ BUT A  _ LIE?  _ AND ALL  FOR  _ FAME??” _

“...I… Guess so..?”

Bender didn’t know when to quit a lot of things. Smoking. Drinking. Hurting the feelings of a dying actor.

“i loved that woman so dearly- she was.. a completely irreplaceable unit to me, i should feel  _ betrayed _ ..! I should want you both DEAD-” A free hand gestured up into the air as Calculon’s expression darkened.

But… Like each time before that, it faded once more. And he again fell limp into Bender’s arms.

Barely being caught.

Wincing with the loud, metal thump of his casing hitting curved arms. 

“but i just can’t.. maybe it's lacking energy, maybe… the knowledge i haven’t  _ long  _ enough to feel upset…”

“could be, simply because i’m... finally getting answers to all this.”   
A sigh

“i can’t remember the last time i had closure for my own troubles… i can’t remember if i ever even  _ deserved  _ such a thing...”

…

“i clearly didn’t deserve a true  _ relationship _ .. did i..”

Bender and Fry shared a worried glance. Both friends looking over to each other for unspoken assistance in the poor robot’s final moments. Of course they felt terrible for all the hidden turmoil Calculon seemed to have tucked away into the deepest sub-folders of his mind, but.

Well, what could they do for a dying robot?

What could they do for a man so tossed around by life, that he didn’t even have the energy to be upset with the news that his only love was some…

Costume of a personality...

Bender’s costume, more specifically...

…

He had to get everything off his chest before Calculon’s time was up.

“It was a stupid scheme to get money, not like all my other  _ great  _ schemes to get money, but… She really fell for you, Calculon.”

..

Pause.

“did she at least die happy..?”

“...We both died happy… Except I didn’t die, but, same thing.”

A

A laugh.

Bender’s comment had managed a genuine,  _ actual _ laugh from the actor. Expression one of long sought after peace that both Bender and Fry were clearly happy to see.

A weak smile across his face, half lidded eyes wearily looking down to his own hands, lay limp over his front, but.

He finally had, at least,  _ some _ closure.

“you… remind me so much of her, still...” 

Another pause. The bot’s eyes grew dim as he continued.

“...even,  _ though  _ she were... nothing more than a mere…  _ facade _ , she simply had so much life… such a bright spark in a world of… dull... machines…”

“Calculon, I-.”

A hesitant pause. Bender swallowing his own words back in hesitation, reaching down with his free hand to take the actor’s nearest, and holding it tight for a moment to reaffirm his presence.

Anything for some hopes of comfort.

The poor man was really dying. For his third and final time.

“I.. I don’t want you to go out thinking our relationship was a lie!”   
“but you, just… told me it was...”

“I mean the feelings! Sure I was just acting as a chick longer than I planned to so I could mooch off the gifts you kept sending- But that was just at  _ first! _ Then a bit after you asked me to marry- I..!”

…

This…

Couldn’t be the way Calculon went out.

Not with Bender admitting the poor actor’s one true experience of love outside his show was based on a complete scam, even if it was only the start of a much longer story. The bot just didn’t deserve to be hurt all over again.

Not here. In his own grave.

Not now..

“I… Really did care. Okay- And I know that’s hard to believe, since I don’t care about anything unless it’s about me, but.”

Dramatic pause.

“I did… Or, she did. A  _ lot _ .”

Worried, glowing eyes stared down into the actor’s own weary expression. Even in such low light, Bender could tell Calculon was fighting a losing battle just to keep his own eyes open.

He wouldn’t last.

...What other option did Bender have to show him he really felt something back then, except...

Well…

Coilette never even got to kiss him at the altar, did she…

…

Dammit.

Without any time to second guess, Bender pushed forwards.

Ignoring the sharp, weak yelp of the bot in his arms as their mouthplates connected.

Dim sparks fizzling between the two. 

The one, sole feeling of contact and electricity being all Calculon could focus on anymore. 

Things were so...  _ blurry  _ now.

Fading…

Like the final scene in a movie…

...

Would it have been tragedy, or romance?

Maybe.. 

  
  


Maybe it was both…

...

..He felt that was fitting enough for his life, honestly… 

Perhaps… A touch of comedy here and there, but.. 

It had always seemed.. The poor guy was simply fated to live a tragic life, and

Then die..

A hand was held.

He noticed the gesture only through the tiny change in heat.

...He held back.

Grip weakening by the moment..

Internals whirring to a slow

eventual stop.

The one final thing Calculon could register

before his hearing dulled into white noise, then silence

and his sight blurred into darkness

were three... little words, spoken as softly as their own meaning

ah..

so.. she really did...

love him..,,,

  
  


And 

Ever so slowly

His hand slipped from it’s grasp, falling against the dug soil.

Head giving in to gravity’s pull, and dropping down to rest, gently against Bender’s front

Calculon was gone.

And judging by the hopeless look in Bender’s optics when he pulled away, he already knew. But still, he kept the late actor’s body close to his own.

Half lidded eyes staring out in front of himself, then up at Fry.

A quiet sniffle before the robot spoke up. Sorrow in his expression.

The tender, emotional side of the poor bending unit was still on full show, it seemed…

“..Do you think he went out okay?”

“Well, after getting poisoned and crushed by a ceiling, I think that’s a hell of a more peaceful way to go out.”

Fry gave a shrug after thinking on his own reply, looking down to the deactivated shell in Bender’s grip before offering his robot buddy a comforting pat on the shoulder.

“You did good, Bender…”

...

“I didn’t think you’d really have the guts to tell him.”

Nothing but a quiet “That makes two of us.” from Bender, as the unit slowly set Calculon’s body back onto the ground.

Reaching to take one hand in his own, keeping it in his grasp for a few hesitant moments before gently placing it over the actor’s front. Keeping his eyes on the body for much longer than he’d care to admit when recalling this to the crew at any later date.

Bender still had his feelings for him, of course.

..Something was missing here.

They couldn’t just leave this guy in the dirt. Not after all he’d been put through, it just wouldn’t feel respectful.

And why did  _ humans  _ always get the coffins, anyway? 

“Hey- Fry?”   
“...Yeah?”   
“Anyone buried here you don’t like?”

As with any question posed by Bender that had obvious ‘stealing opportunity’ undertones, Fry was hesitant to answer. “I… May have seen a few names when we walked in… Uh- Why?”

A steely expression crossed the robot’s 40% steel face.

“We’re going grave robbing.”

* * *

Calculon

Finally opened his eyes 

And hell greeted him once again.

Brimstone, smoke, those same, burning fires and lava pits. The screams of the damned robots filling his senses.

And of course, the Robot Devil himself, welcoming him back to his final resting place

For good.

…

But this time?

He was happy to be there.

**Author's Note:**

> SO- THIS WAS PRETTY MUCH A 'WHAT-IF' SCENARIO I'VE HAD IN MY HEAD FOR A WHILE ABOUT CALCULON BARGAINING FOR,,, A FEW MORE MINUTES JUST TO GET SOME THINGS OFF HIS CHEST AFTER GETTING KNOCKED DOWN A FEW PEGS BY LEELA IN THAT ONE EPISODE  
> AND I'M A SUCKER FOR BITTERSWEET MATERIAL, SO IF I EVER CHOOSE TO THROW OTHER STUFF ON HERE? THERE'LL BE MORE OF THAT


End file.
